One Reason
by Nagiru
Summary: While she lives on in the hospital, Shiho cannot stop thinking about the her only remaining reason to live. Sometimes, it takes a near-death experience to give someone courage. Sometimes, it still is not enough. (slight Shiho/Ann) (written for Persona Kink Meme)


**A/N:** This was written for Persona Kink Meme, and the request was to write a character study of Shiho while she was on the hospital after the Kamoshida-thing. There are some spoilers for Ann's Confidant Link, some mentions of attempted rape/past sexual abuse (Kamoshida. Really. Should I say anything else?), possibly depression, and there are some hints of female slash (between Shiho and Ann). If you wish to continue anyway, please, help yourselves. I hope you enjoy it.

 **Disclaimer:** Persona 5 and its characters are all of Atlus making. I, myself, barely am able to say I own this story.

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Shiho never knew that life could be both so boring and so busy at the same time. She felt like she did nothing but try to walk the whole day — but it took _the whole day_ , and it left her trembling and in pain, and so, so tired, and she was ready to give up…

But no, she couldn't. It didn't matter that her legs screamed murder at her, that her blood burned her up, that her whole being seemed to break down into millions of shocks, she _had to keep going_. She _had to_ , because Ann was there, smiling at her, being her normal, bubbly, amazing self.

Even when her legs failed under her, and her hands couldn't hold her up, Ann would cheer her up, call her name and keep believing on her, and she just — couldn't let her down. Not Ann, not again.

Not after last time, when she had decided to take the easy way out and try to end herself. Not when she had told herself, _"if this doesn't work, I'll tell her."_

She hadn't, yet. But she kept telling herself, _"I'll tell her as soon as I get better"_ , so she kept trying. She kept giving her best on these stupid sessions, even if she sometimes believed they would never work. Even when she believed she would always be this — this _broken_ thing.

She kept giving her best, because Ann kept coming back to her room, her boring, empty room, made of a white ceiling, white curtains and soft-colored flowers given to her by her family. Because Ann came every single week, because she sat by her bed, and she would always smile her best smile, even when her eyes welled up with tears and her hands shook on her own lap, and Shiho wanted nothing more than to reach out and sooth her, because this was _Ann_ , and Ann _shouldn't cry_. Ann should always be happy, because Ann _deserved the world_.

Shiho never gave up, even when she was locked in an empty room, staring at her white ceiling and counting cracks so she wouldn't fall asleep, too afraid of her dreams. Afraid of the truth, the ugly truth of her memories that always appeared on her nights, whispering in his ears, holding her down and smoldering her, _chocking_ her, _devouring her_.

Sometimes, in the morning, she felt like that morning back at school. She felt as if she just wanted to — climb to the roof and _jump_. Free to fall, free at last. Free from her memories, from the nightmares. Free from the pain and all the ugly things in this world.

She never did, because she kept hoping Ann would come by her room that day, and because she kept fearing Ann would come by her room that day.

If she tried to kill herself once again… would she succeed, this time? If she did, would Ann cry for her?

She couldn't do that. So she tried her best, she grinded her teeth together, struggled to her feet, and went to her rehab sessions, even if those felt even worse on those mornings where she felt like utter crap.

Shiho sometimes just wanted to give up, to lay down and cry herself to sleep or… or death… but she never did, because every time she thought about it, Ann came by. Every time she was at her worst, there would be a magazine with her best friend (with her best _everything_ ) in it, smiling up at her, talking _to her_ , talking _about her_. Because Ann told the interviewers that the reason she kept modelling was because she wanted to be someone "her friend" could look up to. Because when Shiho felt especially down, Ann would stop by her room, frowning and bringing sweets, and she would tell her stories, jokes, and talk about her new friends, and she would _never_ let Shiho feel forgotten about.

So, Shiho could feel like crap sometimes, but Ann… Ann always made her feel like the best thing in the world. Ann always seemed so _proud_ of her, that Shiho just could think that she _needed_ to become that, that girl Ann kept seeing when she looked at her. Because Shiho felt that, maybe, if Shiho felt that she was at least half as good as Ann seemed to believe her to be, than Ann could maybe — in the end —, just maybe… accept her feelings, when she were finally ready to confess them.


End file.
